Review: Duke Nukem Forever

(Disclaimer: The pictures are not mine)

Ah Duke Nukem. A classic game that everyone remembers in their childhood for being a game that not only kicked ass with gameplay, but kicked ass in controversy. Although originally a side-scrolling shooting platform game for the MS-DOS, Duke Nukem became famous with Duke Nukem 3D on the N64. It's wild controversy moments, funny dialogue such as "I've got Balls of Steel", and awesome first person gameplay made this game a gold market hit. 

With it followed up a series of other games such as Time to Kill, Zero Hour, and Land of the Babes. But their was one game that everybody heard about as being the "Next big deal" known as Duke Nukem Forever. Naturally we were all excited to play this game.....FIFTEEN YEARS LATER!!

It took 3D Realms fifteen years to get this game to finish and that's one of the longest if not THE longest time it takes to make a sequel to a game ever. Over the years, fans wondered if it was ever going to be released and it soon became a popular joke among the video gaming world. But eventually, it was finally released and now we all have a chance to play it....and then throw it away because it SUCKS!

How much "Balls of Fail" is in this wasted piece of crap? Let me tell you oh dear reader, let me tell you.

1. Graphics

-Compared to the graphics we have now with most modern first person shooters you would think that they would have at least put some though into it....they do not. What really sucks about this game's graphics is the inconstancy that is provide. Some times the graphics are really awesome like the Duke Dome levels or they just look like the level designers decided to put some coloring on a sandbox paper and added a few meshes around before put it in in, like the desert levels. The sky boxes don't look that impressive and when you see shots of the city it looks like something made out of cardboard background from a 1930's monster movie. 

-The world looks horrendous and it feels like it too. And don't get me started on the character graphics. Half the time they looks like statues and I can barely tell any EDF solider from another (Not that it will matter since these guys die like Red Shirts). The aliens aren't that far off either. None of them really strike me as scary just...ugly. The only creatures that make it worth really caring over are the Octabrains. I've always had a soft spot for those guys. 

-So graphics? Just plain pig crap. Okay so maybe the graphics are bad, but the game at least as good controls....right?

2. Controls

-HELL NO! These are some of the worst controls I have ever played in any kind of First Person Shooter game! It's so bad that they even failed at the most basic mechanic of the game, shooting and aiming. The aiming in this game...is bad. I mean really bad. Try Matrix the Video Game bad! You will waste so much time trying to get an angle right for the shot before a pigcop comes and rips your face off! Moving around and adjusting your aim doesn't help much either as Duke likes to take big strides all the time that blow off the aiming. Your best bet is to just shoot at random and just hope you manged to hit something. That's how I killed half of my enemies.

-But the worst controls are the driving ones. You just will want to beat the crap out any of the designers who thought it would be a good idea to include a driving feature in this game. This will make you want to use the Mako from Mass Effect rather then play driving missions in this game. Plus, most of them are useless and really didn't need to be in the game, but I guess they needed to find someway to extend the game's time (Not that you'll want to play for long).

3. Gameplay

-So how does the gameplay feel overall? Well the AI is cheap and can shoot at you from any direction with no hesitation. Don't even bother with cover because the aliens you'll fight make the hero Bulls-eye look like a drunk blind mentally challenged Grunt from Halo. It kind of sucks when your main hero can't shoot right in a shooting game yet every other character can kill you in less then 2 minutes of a firefight. There are also tons of glitches in this game that make the enemies freeze up or you pass through a few objects that shouldn't be possible unless Duke is part ghost. I lost count how many times the pigcops that tried to jump me froze in midair. Hell, you can make a drinking game our of it!

-Luckily, you got a really assorted set of weapons and items to help you against the horde. Oh wait, only the Shotgun does any real damage for you along with any explosive weapons such as the RPG and Devestator? Wow, that's makes half the guns like the Pistol and Shrink Ray completely useless! And what's even really annoying is that, thanks to Duke's inability to shoot after being retired for fifteen years, you'll waste ammo faster then he waste money on women in strip clubs. You got a few cool things though like drinking beer or steroids that make you invincible and stronger, but they are so few in between that you'll only use them in emergency uses. 

-Now for the best and worst part of the gameplay. The best part is the boss battles. Those are good and very innovative. You can only use explosive weapons to weaken them and at times you may have to use the environment around you in order to weaken their defenses and kill them. My favorite was the Queen Bitch (yes that's her name). You had to throw a pipe bomb onto one of these platforms that act like springs that trap the bomb behind the Queen Bitch's arms which were like shields that blocked you from damaging her. Once she's stunned by the bomb you hit her with all the RPG's you got while avoiding her punches and little children who like to throw up on you like every other alien does besides the probing thing that seems to be popular in space. And they say humans are perverted. 

-The worst part of the gameplay are the levels where you turn small. There are several of these that feature you needing to turn small so you can get through hard to reach places in order to unlock a door or something. These levels are pointless and don't even need to be in here and one of the worst of these is when you have to be small and drive an RC Racer car to get big again. Really, that was the most innovative thing you could come up with? I had more fun with the mini games such as air hockey and slots then those levels and when your mini levels are better then the levels you spend weeks working on you know something has gone wrong.

-The one last thing I want to comment on is that halfway through the game I was bored. Yes folks. Duke Nukem made me bored. I'll just leave it at that and move on.

4. Story

-Duke Nukem has a story? Sadly yes, but there really is no need to go into this. Normally, I would comment a lot about a game's story (Since that's my favorite part), but all you  need to know is that aliens invaded, steal our women, Duke is pissed, and goes out to kill everything. Normally, for a game I would say that is a very poor story, but Duke Nukem isn't one of those games where you need to pay attention so much to it and should instead focus on the humor and controls. So I'll let it slide...just this once.

5. Characters 

-Oh yeah! Duke Nukem! The guy who kicks ass and chews bubblegum! Thankfully, they have the original voice actor for this guy (Jon St. John) and he's still the same wise cracking, ass wiping, alien kicking badass that he is! Sure he's not the smartest guy but he's american and he likes women so that makes him okay! The only problem is every other character is more of an idiot then Duke. First off, all the EDF guys you see are going to die in less then a minute before you see them because everyone there must have spent only one week at the academy and have only two days left until retirement. You got two twin sisters who look like the Olsen twins who also happen to be Duke's private babes, but you don't have to worry about them either(Or even like them, just like the Olsen twins). So other then an annoying president and boring general it's all about Duke!

6. Sound
-The sound is pretty good I must say. It's got a small rock theme going and there are times when the music really gets you going. I especially like the boss battles. Those really know how to make you feel like your in a real Duke Nukem game, but even with the sound your not going to get any good feelings playing the game overall.

OVERALL: 1.5/5


I waited fifteen years for this and all I got was a crappy game! Although it doesn't surprise me that this sucks I still feel like I got cheated. Thankfully, I rented this. I hear their going to bring some DLC to add more to the game, but I don't think I'm interested. So if your an old school Duke Nukem fan who want's to try it out, go ahead, but you'll be disappointed. Everyone else? Skip this one...skip it hard.

We are gamers and we are legion.

Later