Review: Duke Nukem Forever

(Disclaimer: The pictures are not mine)

Ah Duke Nukem. A classic game that everyone remembers in their childhood for being a game that not only kicked ass with gameplay, but kicked ass in controversy. Although originally a side-scrolling shooting platform game for the MS-DOS, Duke Nukem became famous with Duke Nukem 3D on the N64. It's wild controversy moments, funny dialogue such as "I've got Balls of Steel", and awesome first person gameplay made this game a gold market hit. 

With it followed up a series of other games such as Time to Kill, Zero Hour, and Land of the Babes. But their was one game that everybody heard about as being the "Next big deal" known as Duke Nukem Forever. Naturally we were all excited to play this game.....FIFTEEN YEARS LATER!!

It took 3D Realms fifteen years to get this game to finish and that's one of the longest if not THE longest time it takes to make a sequel to a game ever. Over the years, fans wondered if it was ever going to be released and it soon became a popular joke among the video gaming world. But eventually, it was finally released and now we all have a chance to play it....and then throw it away because it SUCKS!

How much "Balls of Fail" is in this wasted piece of crap? Let me tell you oh dear reader, let me tell you.

1. Graphics

-Compared to the graphics we have now with most modern first person shooters you would think that they would have at least put some though into it....they do not. What really sucks about this game's graphics is the inconstancy that is provide. Some times the graphics are really awesome like the Duke Dome levels or they just look like the level designers decided to put some coloring on a sandbox paper and added a few meshes around before put it in in, like the desert levels. The sky boxes don't look that impressive and when you see shots of the city it looks like something made out of cardboard background from a 1930's monster movie. 

-The world looks horrendous and it feels like it too. And don't get me started on the character graphics. Half the time they looks like statues and I can barely tell any EDF solider from another (Not that it will matter since these guys die like Red Shirts). The aliens aren't that far off either. None of them really strike me as scary just...ugly. The only creatures that make it worth really caring over are the Octabrains. I've always had a soft spot for those guys. 

-So graphics? Just plain pig crap. Okay so maybe the graphics are bad, but the game at least as good controls....right?

2. Controls

-HELL NO! These are some of the worst controls I have ever played in any kind of First Person Shooter game! It's so bad that they even failed at the most basic mechanic of the game, shooting and aiming. The aiming in this game...is bad. I mean really bad. Try Matrix the Video Game bad! You will waste so much time trying to get an angle right for the shot before a pigcop comes and rips your face off! Moving around and adjusting your aim doesn't help much either as Duke likes to take big strides all the time that blow off the aiming. Your best bet is to just shoot at random and just hope you manged to hit something. That's how I killed half of my enemies.

-But the worst controls are the driving ones. You just will want to beat the crap out any of the designers who thought it would be a good idea to include a driving feature in this game. This will make you want to use the Mako from Mass Effect rather then play driving missions in this game. Plus, most of them are useless and really didn't need to be in the game, but I guess they needed to find someway to extend the game's time (Not that you'll want to play for long).

3. Gameplay

-So how does the gameplay feel overall? Well the AI is cheap and can shoot at you from any direction with no hesitation. Don't even bother with cover because the aliens you'll fight make the hero Bulls-eye look like a drunk blind mentally challenged Grunt from Halo. It kind of sucks when your main hero can't shoot right in a shooting game yet every other character can kill you in less then 2 minutes of a firefight. There are also tons of glitches in this game that make the enemies freeze up or you pass through a few objects that shouldn't be possible unless Duke is part ghost. I lost count how many times the pigcops that tried to jump me froze in midair. Hell, you can make a drinking game our of it!

-Luckily, you got a really assorted set of weapons and items to help you against the horde. Oh wait, only the Shotgun does any real damage for you along with any explosive weapons such as the RPG and Devestator? Wow, that's makes half the guns like the Pistol and Shrink Ray completely useless! And what's even really annoying is that, thanks to Duke's inability to shoot after being retired for fifteen years, you'll waste ammo faster then he waste money on women in strip clubs. You got a few cool things though like drinking beer or steroids that make you invincible and stronger, but they are so few in between that you'll only use them in emergency uses. 

-Now for the best and worst part of the gameplay. The best part is the boss battles. Those are good and very innovative. You can only use explosive weapons to weaken them and at times you may have to use the environment around you in order to weaken their defenses and kill them. My favorite was the Queen Bitch (yes that's her name). You had to throw a pipe bomb onto one of these platforms that act like springs that trap the bomb behind the Queen Bitch's arms which were like shields that blocked you from damaging her. Once she's stunned by the bomb you hit her with all the RPG's you got while avoiding her punches and little children who like to throw up on you like every other alien does besides the probing thing that seems to be popular in space. And they say humans are perverted. 

-The worst part of the gameplay are the levels where you turn small. There are several of these that feature you needing to turn small so you can get through hard to reach places in order to unlock a door or something. These levels are pointless and don't even need to be in here and one of the worst of these is when you have to be small and drive an RC Racer car to get big again. Really, that was the most innovative thing you could come up with? I had more fun with the mini games such as air hockey and slots then those levels and when your mini levels are better then the levels you spend weeks working on you know something has gone wrong.

-The one last thing I want to comment on is that halfway through the game I was bored. Yes folks. Duke Nukem made me bored. I'll just leave it at that and move on.

4. Story

-Duke Nukem has a story? Sadly yes, but there really is no need to go into this. Normally, I would comment a lot about a game's story (Since that's my favorite part), but all you  need to know is that aliens invaded, steal our women, Duke is pissed, and goes out to kill everything. Normally, for a game I would say that is a very poor story, but Duke Nukem isn't one of those games where you need to pay attention so much to it and should instead focus on the humor and controls. So I'll let it slide...just this once.

5. Characters 

-Oh yeah! Duke Nukem! The guy who kicks ass and chews bubblegum! Thankfully, they have the original voice actor for this guy (Jon St. John) and he's still the same wise cracking, ass wiping, alien kicking badass that he is! Sure he's not the smartest guy but he's american and he likes women so that makes him okay! The only problem is every other character is more of an idiot then Duke. First off, all the EDF guys you see are going to die in less then a minute before you see them because everyone there must have spent only one week at the academy and have only two days left until retirement. You got two twin sisters who look like the Olsen twins who also happen to be Duke's private babes, but you don't have to worry about them either(Or even like them, just like the Olsen twins). So other then an annoying president and boring general it's all about Duke!

6. Sound
-The sound is pretty good I must say. It's got a small rock theme going and there are times when the music really gets you going. I especially like the boss battles. Those really know how to make you feel like your in a real Duke Nukem game, but even with the sound your not going to get any good feelings playing the game overall.

OVERALL: 1.5/5


I waited fifteen years for this and all I got was a crappy game! Although it doesn't surprise me that this sucks I still feel like I got cheated. Thankfully, I rented this. I hear their going to bring some DLC to add more to the game, but I don't think I'm interested. So if your an old school Duke Nukem fan who want's to try it out, go ahead, but you'll be disappointed. Everyone else? Skip this one...skip it hard.

We are gamers and we are legion.

Later

Review: FEAR 3

(Pictures are not mine)

Now I love supernatural thrillers. They always give you that feeling that everything around you in the dark is ready to grab you and take you to a lair of darkness. FEAR not only managed to give you scary feeling that made you ready to crap your pants, but it also added a high intense gameplay with it's first person shooter mechanics. FEAR 2 was even better as it took all the awesomeness of FEAR and made it a thousand times more cooler

Now we get to FEAR 3 and....I don't know what to say other then....why is this game so mediocre?

Seriously, I was all pumped up for this game! It was the final chapter between the abomination child known as Alma and her hatred for all life against her own child and silent protagonist The Point Man. Only I get what  feels like watch a Resident Evil movie, with disappointment and excitement on both ends

So how did this could have been awesome game fail at being completely awesome? Let's find out.

1. Graphics.

-The FEAR games have always been able to have a well blended graphics look combining horror, dream, and apocalyptic coloring and imaging well. FEAR 3, lacks this in the most basic detail. When I look at FEAR 1 and 2 I see better graphics and artwork then FEAR 3 does. Forget me if I'm wrong, but aren't sequals suppose to have better upgraded graphics rather then downgrading them? What's even worse is that most of the time I'm not scared.

-The point of a thriller game is to keep the player on their toes and with graphics you have to make the area look like something unnatural is around you. Dead bodies, blood, weird writing, strange liquid that kind of stuff should stick out in a way that makes the player cautious where he's going not bored! And this wouldn't be such a problem if it wasn't for the fact that it's all inconsistent. Some areas look like they should be in a FEAR game while others just look like the level designers decided to take some meshes and objects, put them together and just say "Hey, we got another area! Let's go to the next one." 

-The worst is the bridge level. Oh god, that just made me shake my head in disappointment. It's all red...that's it. Just plain stricken red there is barley any other color out there. I know Alma's giving birth and the end of the world is neigh, but couldn't you make the sky box and overall lighting for this level have a little bit more color? I'm not on mars for crying out loud even the buildings in the back are just poor deigned and not even close to realistic.

Scary graphics? Only to a three year old.

2. Controls

-Okay, here are some redeeming features. The controls are pretty much okay and play much like the first two games only with a few new features. You have the ability to attack and sprint at the same time with a powerful melee attack that is very fun to use and even more fun to see enemies fly off in the distance. Next is the cover system, it's not a new features, but it does handle differently. I kind of preferred the old one, but as far as it goes's its' not bad, but I didn't make much use of it and instead just sprinted everywhere while using bullet time.

-Now playing as you crazed homicidal dead brother on the other hand is a different story. It's completely new and unique with the ability to blow up your enemies with your hands as well as posses them so you can attack enemies with their weapons. I really preferred using Fettel then the Point Man because it gave a totally different experience then the Point Man's and it was really fun to use. 

So the controls are bloody awesome, but what about overall gameplay?

3. Gameplay

-First lets's talk about the single player mode. It's just...awful. I'm sorry, but I have to say that. It's too short, in my opinion, and I don't feel any real connection due to the games bad graphics and horrible story line. Not to mention the cutscene piss me off. What was great about the first two FEAR games was that all gameplay was done in first person mode as well as the cinematic. It gave FEAR the idea that all we were seeing was in the eyes of the protagonists. Now we have actual cinmatics that A. Don't look good and B. Ruin the overall mode of the game. Plus, the atmosphere is not even close to the scary supernatural feeling that both FEAR games gave us. It just feels like a regular shooter attempting to be scary, but is like watching a Rob Zombie film. All gore no scare. What's new is that it gives you a point system where if you do specific things, like achievements, you gain more power and enhanced abilities. Completely not needed for this kind of game and was just useless. 

-What really did well was the co-op mode. One player plays as the Point Man while the other plays as Fattel and this really works better in the game then just playing it as a single player. It offers two unique styles that have to work together in order to beat the level and requires good balance of teamwork to be utilized to the full extent. The points here make more sense as the two are trying to prove who is the better player and the fact that the one with the more points at the end get's their characters ending. 

-Multiplayer was something I thought FEAR lacked well in, but in this game it surprised me by being so damn good. This was the real shining point of the game instead of the single player which surprised me. Of all the modes only two stand out. The first, Soul King, is where all the players are specters and you win by collecting the most souls from fallen enemies while Soul Survivor is about one player being the specter and the others normal humans. It's really fun to play and I've played it multiple times all night having a blast. The second is F***ing Run and it's just like the title says. You and the other players must run away from a possed wall and other enemies that are out to kill you. Every time the wall comes closer to you, the controller shakes, the screen goes grey and the sound of  heartbeat makes you have one of the tensest moments in the game. 

The gameplay is just plain solid in most aspects, but that's where all the good times end.

4. Story

-The FEAR series is about Alma, a powerful psychic who was abused and experimented on by a military corporation known as Armacham. To make matters worse for her, they not only get her pregnant twice but also take the babies away to be used as test weapons. Both of which are Fettel and Point Man, which is discovered later in the game. After Alma is sealed away she uses her powers to control Fettel and reak revenge against the world of course because that's what happens when supernatural people get persecuted or hurt by normal humans. After killing your brother in the first game, but failing to stop your mother, the Point Man is captured by Armacham six months later but is saved by his ghost brother who reveals that even though you kill him the psycic link between you is still strong enough to give him some life in the world

-It turns out that Alma is pregnant after raping Michael Becket (Protagonist of the 2nd game) and is almost about to give birth which is causing more chaos to appear in the world, like old biblical doomsday bad. So now you and your brother now much reach Alma and stop her from destroying the world while also killing the abomination known as your new half baby brother. It sound interesting at first, but FEAR 3 fails at delivering it at all. It always jumped from cut scenes about the your past, which comes out of nowhere, to your brother talking to much in his bad attempt to make a demonic G-man voice. What was great about FEAR's storyline in the first two was that it was about finding out the truth of Alma and later Project Origin, but I guess they couldn't come up with anything to top this off in the third game which sucks.

 The story starts off good, but as it continues you just stop caring about it and just focus on getting to the end of the level. 

5. Characters

-Let's talk about characters...actually let's not. There really is nothing to talk about here if you've played the first two games. Alma is still the scary girl with god like powers, but doesn't appear in the shadows as often as the first two games, Fettel is still trying to be the G-man, the new bad guy is boring, and you the point man...you look like an Emo version of Nicholas Cage...

Creepy.

6. Sound

-It's...average....too average....

OVERALL: 3/5

The gameplay and controls are good, but the game fails in graphics, story, suspense, and the overall feeling that FEAR gives. It's a rental at best, but play the first two games first and then  play the third to judge. If you are going to buy let's hope you have a lot of online friends.

We are Gamers and we are legion.

Later

My thoughts on E3: Part 4

Well it time to end my thoughts on E3 with my look at the new generation consoles. To be frank, I'm one of those guys who really doesn't know what else is there to go for hardware. I think we pretty much have done everything we can do for hardware at the moment. Sure technology always changes, but personally I think it will be awhile till we get the "Next Big Three".

Especially since we only have two to talk about. Sony and Nintendo have come out with new stuff, but Microsoft wants to keep talking about the useless Kinect by giving us new games and how the Kinect will continue to give us our controller free entertainment.

To me it just sounds like Microsoft is begging people to just buy it.

Now if you don't know from my way earlier posts, I saw the Kinect (Like the Move) to be a useless and stupid attempt to try and copy the success of the Wii's wireless capabilities and the fun it can be used for with it's games. Why should I buy 200 dollars just to add some feature on my 360 for some of my games when I'm perficlly fine playing the games already designed for non-Kinect use? I know the Kinect came out with it's own "separate" games but none of those were fun at all or got my attention.

Now I will admit that some of the new games for the Kinect do look cool, like Child of Eden, but I still don't want to spend 200 hundred unless I get games that really interesting and worth my money.

But enough about the Kinect, let's talk about the Ninentdo's new Wii U.

The first thing you notice is the controller. What is up with Nintendo making interesting controllers? I bet they have a whole division dedicated to making new controllers for their consoles. Well first off it's a touch screen and as long as you have it active the screen will continue to play the game even if the TV is off. Meaning you can play it anywhere as long as the system is on. It has a built in microphone, speaker set, camera and more. 

Unlike most touch based systems, this one is a single touch system and not multi-touch which might not be a good idea especially since multi-touch is so popular. Previous Wii games will be playable and you can use the normal Wii Remote and the other Wii assets with the Wii U. However, Gamecube games and controllers will not be usable. 

Keep in mind that this is a prototype and we may see more changes before it's release in 2012.

Now let's talk about the Playstation Vista.

Multi-touch? Bluetooth? Wi-Fi? And 3G? Sounds interesting, but when I really think about it looks and sounds like's just going to be PSP 2.0. Yes it can play PSP games and it features a "LiveArea" which is said to be the successor to the XrossMediaB near.

But besides all the new hardware upgrades such as the ARM Cortex-A9 core processor and the Sixaxis motion censor. It just seems like having PSP 2.0 and nothing really catches my eye. Some say that it has a GPS and picture customization.

I've never been big on the handle held department, but I've always wanted my new hardware to feature something far out and unique. Nintendo always does that with it's handles, but Sony never keeps me attentive for too long. Maybe as time goes on more unique qualities will appear, but for now I'm not keeping an eye on it.

That's all I got to say about E3. Here's hoping I can go next year and give you guys a recorded review of everything.

We are gamers and we are legion.

Later

Star Wars Touch Screen game

This is what happens when geeks like us rule the world...epicness...

Work is a killer

Work is killing me here. I'll have the final E3 thing done by friday when it finally ends this week.

Next week are reviews: first is FEAR 3 and maybe Duke Nukem Forever if I can squeeze it.

My thoughts on E3: Part 3

Were going to finish with me talking about the last of the games that interested me and later this weekend I will talk about the new hardware.

1. Dead Island (Deep Silver)
-I've never taken a look at Deep Silver till now. Dead Island looks like it will take elements form L4D, Far Cry, open world gameplay, and RPG stat elements in order to create a interesting game. It looks intense and the fact that it's a non-linear story leaves a lot to be used well. If game does well I may have to keep an better eye on Deep Silver

2. Batman: Arkham City (Warner Bros.)
-The squeal to perhaps the best Batman gave ever made, Arkham City is like Asylum, only now you got a huge portion of Gotham to deal with along with the most crazed and mass killing villains in the Batman world such as Two-Face and Joker who are both fighting each other for control, meaning stealth will be more required to avoid danger from all around. With new puzzles and an open world filled with missions, the ability to play as Catwoman with her own style, and a "darker" theme, this game is going to be a hit with anybody who loved the first game.

4. Deux Ex: Human Revolution (Square Enix)

-With all the problems Square is going through right now I think this is the game they need to help them get back on track. Like I've said before in this blog I consider the original Deux Ex to be the Game Designer's Bible Game. In this game, players will be able to use various amounts of gameplay choices to affect their style of fighting like shooting, hacking, stealth, and more against a really well developed AI system that acts depending on the situation around them as well as the actions that you take against them. I'm also hoping that the original elements will still be in the game when it comes out near the end of August. 

5. Soul Caliber V (Namco Bandai)

-I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there is another Soul Caliber game, but I guess I wasn't really ready for it. Soul Caliber has always been my favorite fighting game because it went with weapons fighting instead of normal martial arts. But after my disappointment in the fourth game, I guess I kind of expected that there was really not much left to do with this series. Still, I can't wait to here more.

6. Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (Nintendo)

-Not that I'm complaining, but how many Zelda games are there going to be? Well, this one takes place before Ocarina of Time (And the split timeline thing) and tells how the Master Sword came to be. From what I've been looking at and hearing, this is kind of going to be like Wind Waker's theme of islands except instead of water it's all on sky. What is with so many sky themed games this year? Oh and the sword is a female talking companion. Will she be as annoying as Navi or as cool as Minda? We'll see soon.

And that's all the games! Come by soon to see my opinon on the newest hardware like the Wii U.

We are Gamers and We are Legion!

Later

My thoughts on E3: Part 2

Well, we're continuing so let's go...

1. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (Bethesda) 


The Elder Scrolls as back and this time things look more bad ass then ever. Before Oblivion I was never a big Elder Scrolls guy, but now I'm waiting in anticipation for what Bethesda has for us this time. The open world gameplay is still in of course, but now we no longer have the class system. Instead we have the skill trees which contain at least 280 perks that can be upgraded by the player over time, allowing you to have a different play through each time you play a new character. Along with a forge system and duel wielding your also going to be a "Dragonborn" character which will allow you to talk and use the abilities of different dragon races. And I follow the belief that dragon make everything cooler.

2. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 (Activision)
-Call of Duty has to be one of the most well known and historical FPS's ever. And with the final chapter of the Modern Warfare saga coming to a close in MW3, it's only going to get more fame. In the third game you have one objective, kill Makorv and end this war between Russia and the US before things go nuclear. You'll be fighting in total warzones all over the world from the US to Europe and finally the mother land herself. Soap and Price return as well as new characters in the Delta and SAS. No new word on multiplayer yet, but I think it's already rested assured that things will be more epic then the last game. Let's see if MW will break sales records again sometime this fall.

3. XCOM (2K Games)
I don't know why, but the idea of having a sci-fi horror in the fifties just interests me.

4. DmC: Devil May Cry (Capcom)
I, like many others, was pissed at the sight of a black haired Dante. However I soon learned this was an Origin Story and I calmed down. Although it's a work in progress, not much seems to have changed from DMC other then new weapons and art style. I'll just have to wait till more info is given before really judging it.

5. Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning (EA)
EA really loves it's dark fantasy. Reckoning is interesting because of the people involved in it. You got lead designer Ken Rolsen (Elder Scrolls III and IV), with writer R.A. Salvatore (Forgotten Realms novels) creating the universe and lore and Todd McFarlane (Spawn) as the artist. With a team like this and the idea that it's like "God of War meets Oblivion" it's going to have my interest for awhile.

6. Street Fighter x Tekken (Capcom)
Dude, just watch the trailer and take it all in...

7. Luigi's Mansion 2 (Nintendo)
Had to get a Nintendo in here of course. The sequel to one of the best Gamecube games, Luigi's Mansion is more puzzle based and now you get to go to other mansions instead of just one big one. Capturing ghosts however is still the main objective, but now you got and assistant and it's...TOAD!? Great....

8. Journey (Sony)
Your a robed character in a desert with other online robed characters. You can't speak or text to each other and you don't know their names, but your suppose to help each other in a vast desert with only a large mountain in the distance that you much reach with no map or sense of direction. Considering this is from the same people who gave us Flow and Flower...I don't know what to expect but I want to find out!

More coming up! I got to play FEAR 3!